What am I supposed to do?
by becca665531
Summary: Ryan is a teenage girl who has two choices marry Mark Jaccobs, the man she truly hates or the love of her life,Josh Ramsay. The lead singer of Marianas Trench. Who will she choose? Rated M for later chapters...
1. Chapter 1

"Ryan, wake up!" I was awoken by the lovely voice of Tyler. Tyler was a really annoying friend of mine. In fact she was so annoying; she decides to follow me everywhere just to annoy me. "No! My pillow needs me to stay and keep him warm" I said smiling, still half asleep. Not even one second later, Tyler poured a big glass of freezing cold water all over me. I screamed and ran into the bathroom. Since I was already in the bathroom I would be able to take a shower. I turned on the shower and took a shower. When I got out I dried myself off and got dressed, dried my hair and did my make-up. When I walked out of the bathroom Tyler was already ready and walking out the door. I got my back pack and walked out of my house. Tyler would always come in my own home and forcefully wake me up. I hated it.

When I got to school I walked to my locker and put my backpack in it. I was cold so I kept my sweater on. Well, I wasn't really cold, my dad beats me. There are bruises all over my body. I don't think I mentioned that my dad beat me just because my mom left because he bet her up. He blames me for everything that he does wrong. My mom re-married and is now living a happily graceful life. My dad calls her a slut because of re-marrying. Well at least she's away from him. Sometimes, I wish she had taken me with her. I got so caught up in my thoughts I was almost crying. I blinked away all the tears that threatened to spill out of my eyes. I didn't want to cry now. Then I would get an even worse label ' the crying mute' my label right now is 'mute' I know what you're thinking, '_but you've already spoken to Tyler'_. Yes I have, but I **NEVER** talk in school. Not even if someone starts talking to me. I shut my locker and walked into the cafeteria. A few people stared, but I didn't mind. It always happens. They take one look at me and another rumor about me starts.

I took seat, alone at a table. I was enjoying my alone-ness until someone sat beside me. "Hi I'm Mike, Mike Ayley". A slightly tall very curly haired person sat beside me. He had glasses. I just looked at him like he was crazy. "No? You're not going to talk to me?" I shook my head. "Well will you at least come and sit over at my table? You look really lonely here. Plus my friend won't stop talking about you. It's so annoying!" I laughed lightly and smiled to myself. He seemed to notice because he smiled too. "Well, since I know you have a voice you can talk to me!" I'm beginning to think that he will never leave me alone, but hey, he is kind of funny. I finally spoke "fine but don't be annoying, please. Or get me to talk a lot. Or I will be very grumpy". I got up and followed him to his table of miscreants. I sat down and immediately I was starred at with wide eyes. "What?" I was really confused. A boy with long brown hair was the one with really wide eyes. He was cute. It made me blush.

Mike was just smiling "guys this is Ryan, Ryan this is Josh Matt and Ian" Josh, I like that name. It suited him well. Josh was still staring wide eyed when my forced upon me boyfriend came along. His name was Mark. He was an idiot. Not to mention, I do all of his homework. "Hi honey" he said as he griped my arm tightly and kissed me. I only kiss back because I already know the consequences for not kissing back and that word is called **abuse**. It scares me how much he beats me. Someday he's going to end up killing me. Either that or I will kill myself. When Mark left I carefully touched the already forming bruise on my lower arm. I was careful because there were fresh cuts all over my lower arm. He had re-opened some cuts, I could tell.

I got up quickly and ran to the bathroom. No one was in there so I shut and locked the bathroom door. I pulled up my sleeve to see six re-opened cuts. They were not that deep, but deep enough to re-open. There was blood dripping off my arm onto the floor. I quickly got paper towel and pressed it against my arm. Once it stopped bleeding I washed my arm off and cleaned the blood off the floor. I pulled my sleeve down and unlocked and opened the door. By then the bell had rung. I quickly ran to my home room and took a seat. Right before the late bell rung, Josh walked in and took a seat next to me. "Hi" he whispered. "Hello" I said back. The teacher was late so the class just carried on fooling around.


	2. Chapter 2

(Sorry I didn't update in a _**LONG**_ time….. My computer didn't have internet and all that shit, so I couldn't update the next chapter...) It was the last class of the day. So far I've had all my classes with Josh, and in all those classes he's sat right beside me. Mark was going to think something is up. I just know it. Whenever I hang out with a guy he always thinks that I'm cheating on him. Then he beats me, rapes me then leaves me in my room, all alone. Sometimes I think he has problems. Okay, I **ALLWAYS** think he has problems. I could list them all off to you but the list would be way too long.

My dad is never home when I get home from school, he's at work by then. He usually gets home by 3:30 in the morning, sometimes later. Or earlier. I have no idea where he works. He's never told me nor have I asked. I instantly stopped thinking when Josh walked into class. He noticed me, smiled and sat by me, again. "Honestly? Why do you keep sitting by me? It's scaring me…" he looked at me with the tired eyes he's had all day and said "I'm sorry, you're the only person I know in all of my classes" he smiled, and of course. I smiled back. I looked into his stormy blue eyes. You could get lost in those eyes any day. All it would take is one look, and then you're lost. "Well, I think we have some talking to do mister." He looked a little confused; I know I can't have him sitting next to me in every class. It would be best for our safety. Instead of being killed by sundown. Those enticing eyes caught my gaze as he replied "there is no need to talk, all there is, is learning to do here. It's called education for a reason." He said the last part in a sing song voice.

I smiled a little. He seemed to be getting more tired by the minute. "That's nice… So tell me Josh, if you don't mind me asking you. Why do you look so tired?" He looked down at his binder then back at me. "I don't mind. I have insomnia so I never sleep that well…" I felt bad for asking I should've known. I have insomnia too. Well, it could've been lack of sleep, you never know. It still wasn't right to ask. "Oh, I have insomnia too. It's a bitch. I hate it" He smiled again. That beautiful smile. The one that would make you smile just thinking about it. It made me melt inside. Just as I was about to say something I got cut off by Mark. I hate him. "Who are you talking to honey?" I looked at him innocently, "Josh, he's a friend of mine." Mark glared at me. It was a glare I have come to know in my life. It sort of meant 'some things going to happen to you get home tonight'

I was scared; I didn't even talk to Josh for the rest of class. He tried to talk to me though. It earned me more glares from Mark. When the bell rang I quickly gathered all my stuff and ran out of class. I walked home, and when I got home. I was petrified. I slowly opened the front door and walked inside. All of a sudden I was being thrown onto the floor. I was un-aware of what was happening until I felt a sharp pain on both of my lower arms.

I was being pinned to the ground by Mark. His fingers were digging into my cuts. I let out a scream. You would too if your cuts were being ripped open by a psychopathic maniac. "Shut up bitch! " Mark was angry, really angry. He lifted his arm up and brought his hand down to my cheek, the stinging pain in my cheek was instantly numbing away. He slapped me a couple more times before he ripped off my shirt. I tried to push him off but he was way too strong.

He lifted me up and threw me over his shoulder. Carried me upstairs and walked into my room, and threw me onto my bed. He got on top of me and started to take off my pants. "Please d-don't do this" I was crying. This made him smirk. After he had all his fun I had bruises all over my body, blood stained sheets. I couldn't move at all. I was in so much pain I couldn't even fall asleep.


	3. Chapter 3

I was waiting for my alarm clock to ring after five unbearable hours of just lying in my bed unable to sleep or move. My alarm rang at six o'clock sharp, it eventually started to beep. I painfully got out of bed and walked into the bathroom, looked into the mirror. I saw a horrifying reflection. There were bruises on my face, arms and legs, I had a quick-hot shower and dried my hair, got dressed, then covered up all the bruises on my face. That took a very long time. Once I was done that, I put on eye shadow, eye liner, you know, the usual. I put on a sweater to cover up the bruises on my arms and of course nice, lovely skinny jeans to cover up the bruises on my legs. I put on my Converse, got my back pack and walked out the door.

I was walking down my street when I saw someone very familiar to me walk out of a house and get into a car. I really didn't care about it; I just wanted to get to school. When I got to the bus stop, I had to wait a very long time because I'm always early. Eventually the bus came; I got a seat near the back. I hated the bus. It was so loud, it always gave me migraines.

When I got to school I walked into the cafeteria and saw Mike and his group of friends, Mike waved me over. I sat next to him and rested my head on the table; I probably didn't do a good make-up job on my face because Mike was staring at me very concerned, I put my hood up and drifted off into a deep sleep. Mike woke me up when the bell rang and asked me if I wanted to ditch. Of course, I said yes and his gang and I left the school only to go to Mike's house. The car ride was silent, I eventually fell asleep again. I awoke to Mike pulling into his driveway; my head was on Matt's shoulder. Josh was giving Matt a death glare. I still pretended to sleep because I didn't want to get up. Josh Volunteered to carry me inside the house. He picked me up like I was just a feather, I tried not to smile. It worked; Josh set me down on the couch and put a light blanket over me. I was still in pain, but all that was on my mind now was sleep.

I slept for about two hours before I awoke from my dreamless sleep. I sat up a little groggy, my mouth was dry, and I needed something to drink. Mike walked over, as if reading my mind, holding a cup of water. I drank it very slowly. Not wanting it to end, I looked at Mike and he just laughed. He sat on the end of the couch and continued eating his pizza. "Pizza?" my eyes filled with tears, he could have eaten the last piece! "Is that the last piece?" a tear rolled down my cheek, "no! Don't cry! It's not the last piece; there are three more boxes with pizza. Okay?" I couldn't help but smile. I didn't even know why I was crying. I painfully got up and walked into his kitchen, Mike followed closely just in case I fell, I guess. He got me a plate, and gave it to me. I thanked him and got a couple pieces of pizza, I was hungry okay?

All that was running through my mind was eating, and what mark did to me. I ate the pizza, and then just sat there letting the thought of last night run through my mind. A tear trickled down my cheek; Josh immediately got up and sat beside me, asking if I was okay. All I could do was shake my head, and only cry more. Josh picked me up and ran into the bathroom with me in his arms. He started to take off all my make-up. My tears only helped him with that. "My god, Ryan, who did this to you?" he asked, like he even gave a shit. "Why do you care? You barely fucking know me," I yelled at him, he looked almost heart broken when I did yell at him. I instantly regretted what I had said. "I was just trying to be a GOOD friend. But obviously you don't want that." With that he got up and left.

I just sat there, on the counter. Letting everything that happened the night before and just now run through my head. I got up and ran out of the house, tears spilling from my eyes. I eventually made it home, I ran upstairs into my room. Opened the drawer in my bedside table and got out my razor. I let myself do what I hated most in my life. Cut, I couldn't stop. It's like the razor was my master and I was the puppet. I let the razor slide deeply into my skin. Pain ebbing away little by little, the blood flowing from my arm. I ran out of room on one arm and switched generously doing the same to the other arm.

After I just lay there, still crying, in pain. I wrapped bandages around both arms and continued to lay there. Wondering if I did tell him what was really going on in my life, would he hug me? Tell me it was going to be okay? Possibly kiss me? Tell me that I was his one and only? No, because I screwed thing s up. He angry at me, I'm lying in my bed just wondering, what if? But what ifs don't happen once you screw them up. All you can do is try to fix it. Nothing else.

I fell asleep a couple minutes later just wondering, what if?


	4. Chapter 4

I woke up the next morning lying beside mark. He was running his fingers through my hair. "What are you doing in my house?" I asked agitated, "your dad let me in" he said while kissing my neck. I closed my eyes, imaging it was Josh's lips against my neck. Sadly it wasn't josh. It was Mark, I pushed him away "no, I don't want to do anything" he smacked me. "Fine, just know that were over now" with that he got up and left. I smiled, he broke up with me!

I was so happy; I got out of bed, took a shower, got dressed, did my make-up and went outside for a walk. I saw Mike, Matt, and Ian sitting on the front step. Josh walked out of the house, I instantly felt terrible again. He looked at me with anger in his eyes, I felt more terrible. I just kept walking, I walked until I got to my favourite place, and it was in the middle of the woods. I knew where it was, nobody else did, except for a friend who stopped talking to me. His name was Michael, he was my best friend. Then he became popular, and eventually stopped talking to me. We had so many private jokes, all we had to say was one word and we would burst out laughing.

He had a lot of friends; I guess that made him so popular. I heard someone behind me. I turned around, it was Josh. "I uhh followed you here…" I blushed, looking away to hide the pink rushing to my cheeks. "Really? I thought you hated me by the way you looked at me earlier…" He walked closer to me, raised his hand and moved my head so I can look at him. "I didn't hate you, I was angry at myself by the way I talked to you yesterday" I looked him straight in the eyes; he looked so sad "I'm sorry for yelling at you yesterday, I was in pain. A lot of it too, I was irritated at Mark, I was fucking tired, I didn-" I was cut off by Josh's lips crashing against mine.

I was surprised; I relaxed into the kiss and eventually kissed back. He started backing me up until my back hit a tree, licking my bottom lip begging for an entrance. I decided to tease him and not allow him to enter. He smiled into the kiss and squeezed my ass. I gasped; he took this as an opportunity to let his tongue slide into my mouth. I moaned into the kiss, he pulled away and rested his forehead against mine. "We could continue this at my house," he said with hope in his eyes. I nodded, we started to walk. Once we got to his house, we walked up to his room and continued to kiss. He gently laid me down on his bed and started to unbutton my shirt. I helped him, He moved his head and started to kiss and nip at my neck. (Yeahh so uhh things happen…. I don't really want to write anything icky… ahahaha… yaaa, sorry for people if you wanted me to?)

In the morning, I awoke to Josh rolling out of bed. Literally, I sat up and looked at him "ouch" he groaned. I laughed, got out of bed and got dressed. Josh did the same; we went downstairs and got something to eat. Josh said his parents were out for the week so we didn't have to worry about any awkward encounters…

Once we were finished eating we cuddled on the couch for a bit, Matt, Mike and Ian just walked into his house. We didn't move, they walked into the living room and sat in all the other un-occupied seats, "so, Ryan. When did you and Josh become friends again?" Matt asked with the most awkward face ever, "yesterday, and I'm glad were friends again" I looked at Josh while saying so. He smiled and kissed my cheek, "oooooh, looks like they're a little more than friends!" Mike yelled excitedly. I blushed, a lot.

An hour later we were all playing video games, I was winning even though it was my first time playing Halo. I kept trying to tell the guys that, but they didn't believe me. I eventually kicked their asses, "that was not your first fucking time playing the game!" Matt and Mike yelled in unison, all I could do was laugh "I'm serious! It WAS my first time." Matt snickered "that's what she said," I glared at him. He put his arms in the air defensively "alright, alright."

I eventually had to go home, after I did, I went up to my room and instantly fell asleep. The next day, I woke up and walked into the bathroom. Stepped onto the scale, what I do every month. I weighed 130 pounds, suddenly something snapped inside of me. I couldn't take it anymore; I didn't know what was happening, I turned around and kneeled down in-front of the toilet. I started to make myself throw up; I did that until I couldn't anymore. I flushed it all down the toilet and took a shower, got dressed and didn't eat the whole day. I exercised like crazy until I couldn't even stand up, and then went to bed. The next day I was very hungry, I ignored it, took a shower, got dressed and went to school.


End file.
